Thursday, September 25, 2014

5 & 5

1. For my big platform flop flops that got stuck in my truck door as it was closing. So it bounced back out instead of crushing my foot. 

2. For a body that can move. Man, I hate exercise, but I'd hate not being able to more. 

3. Mindless but thoroughly fun TV. Thanks Big Brother!

4. Friends that you can be honest and real and dress comfortably with. And let you play with their kitties. 

5. Tonight was Make It Yourself dinner and I didn't have to cook. 

1. Being hurt by people you love. 

2. Injured tailbones hurt...and don't seem to ever fully recover.  
3. Waking up early. 

4. Grocery shopping. 

5. Flies that sneak into the house. Gross.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

A Bunch of Thoughts on Yoga

Warning: the following contains a superfluous amount of quotation marks for emphasis and for dialogue; both fake & real. Reader discretion is advised.

I never want to go to Yoga, but I haven't been "up" for weight lifting again.  I figured yoga would work my muscles with my own (plentiful) body weight and I'd get more flexible too.

I hate it. I love when it's done, but I don't like it. 

My instructor is darling and looks like Ellie Kemper (Erin from The Office).  I wish I had a photo, but even if I tried, I sit way in back and you wouldn't be able to tell anyhow. Just take my word for it.  (Would I lie to you?) Her hair is more blonde now, but when I started, it was red. She's darling, always smiling (with her beautiful teeth) and is good at what she does.  I do like that her class feels more yoga "workout" with positive "take time for yourself/get rid of the negative stuff" vs. being in a religious temple where we also do yoga poses. But let's face's still hard exercise.

...I searched online for a pic and found one. Now feel like a creepy stalker.  (Not just a regular stalker, but a creepy stalker.) I found her name listed with the gym & her facebook page. We actually have people in common! There's no way I can post it here, even if it's all good stuff because ew - CREEPY! 
I'll just call her "K".

I like that K plays pop music in her class. She sometimes incorporates instrumental stuff, and I definitely lose my "umph" during those songs. 

I think it's gross that the back of my hands sweat. My shoulders sweat.  Every bit is sweaty. I try to tell myself, "That's how you know it's working!", and then I tell myself to "shut it". 

Today while we were doing (or attempting) "Warrior" pose, I thought to myself that warrior is associated with war...and fighting...and we are built with an innate "fight or flight" mechanism...and I AM A FLIER - WHY AM I STILL HERE? I pushed through. 

I sometimes wish I had a friend there with me who I could crack jokes with.  Then I think of the whacked out positions that friend would be privy to seeing me in, and it's probably for the best that I go alone.

I'm thankful no one farts in this class; or at least nothing audible. I've heard that happens. Or maybe I'm thankful the people around me don't, and I'm even more thankful I haven't.

I wonder if K can read minds. Sometimes pushing through a difficult move or rounds, she will say, "Think positively!", "You're awesome!" "You can do it!" at the exact same time I'm thinking, "I can't do this!", "This sucks!" or "F***!". She probably can't.  I just say those things & let loose (in my mind) through most of the class.

I've heard of "Hot Yoga". What. the. heck. I am DYING in this big Group X room. I want to beg K to please turn on the fans, but then I wonder if she's trying to make it her own "Warm & Stifling Yoga". I prefer my "hot & humid" to be while I'm on vacation with a cocktail in hand. 

Class ends with nap time. Each person lies peacefully on her or his mat, eyes closed. This is much like you would do in pre-school. I like to put my bandana (gross & damp with sweat at this point) over my eyes to block out the light.  I've had to leave class early before, but in general I stay. I mean, nap time is the best part of Yoga!  I certainly wouldn't say it's worth going to class, just to get the resting time, but I liken it to a Dum Dum sucker you get while Trick-or-Treating. You complain when you get it, but you still pop that thing in your mouth, enjoying that small taste of Cream soda while it lasts.

As I was leaving the room, I saw Ina Garten's face smugly smiling down at me from the TV screen.  I really wanted to be on a machine just watching her mix up loads of butter ("How easy was that?").  In hindsight, however, once class is done, I'm always glad I did it. It's not enough to make me like it, but I know I've done something good for my body and for my future self. 

I really want to channel my inner Jesse Pinkman here...
Namaste *****!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

5&5 timing

I find my timing to be wonky on posting these.  I usually do my 5&5 at night, before bed. And I usually go to bed way too late. So I decided I'll still write them at night as usual, but then I'll repost in the morning. Just in case you were wondering. 

1. That 80's rock includes Bill Seger. 
2. That videos that old remind me of *just* how much weight I've gained in 28 years. yeesh
3. Neighbor friends who move away. 
4. That I can make a comparison including the words "28 years"!
5. Headaches

1. For (non-satellite) radio stations that still play 80's rock. 
2. For old video tapes that remind me of good times and old friends, some of whom I still am in touch with. 
3. Neighbors who are also friends. 
4. For Netflix. It's just so cool!
5. Advil and ice packs

Thursday, September 11, 2014

We All Deal With Crap, Mine Just Has A Name

I had this post all ready to go and you'll read why I specifically chose today, but I couldn't just publish it without a mention of 9/11.  Never forget. How could we?

Can you believe it’s been a month already?  One month since Robin Williams died. I shared in my post about him how it affected me, especially in those first days. Since then, I’ve been thinking even more. (By they way, PBS is running a retrospective about him in the next week. I saw it last night and recommend it.)

It seems people have become a little more open about their own depression. Even if they aren’t ready to talk publicly about it, they seem to be sharing more with others who have. I think this is really healthy, if not to help get the word out, but to identify each other for our own support.  But the reason people are so reluctant is that there is still the stigma attached to mental illness, even if it’s “just” depression. (As a sufferer, I say that completely sarcastically. Unfortunately, there are still people who misunderstand depression to = sadness, and don’t understand the debilitating disorder that it is.)

When I shared just a little about understanding depression, I received quite a few private responses from people thanking me and sharing bits of their stories. People who I had no idea that they dealt with depression. It confirmed to me one of the purposes of my blog: that it was time for me to open up about my own mental illness. If more of us aren’t transparent, how will more of us feel brave enough to be transparent? And as more and more of us are, I’m hoping the novelty or the freak show aspect of it diminishes.

This does not mean I will always be reverent.  I find GREAT help in humor both for myself, and for dealing with the jerks who are mean.

I still have anxiety over it all. What will people think?  What will people say?  How can I best explain it?  Do I own an explanation?  How will people look at me or treat me differently? I’ve had people turn it on me before,  and that’s always a concern. Mean people are going to be mean, and I have to tell myself not to worry about that. What I like to say (if even to myself) is that we all have issues & crap to deal with...mine just has a name.

After years of searching, I was finally diagnosed with Type II Bipolar Disorder.  I’ll be writing more in depth, but for now, the nutshell version of Type II vs. Type I, is that my mania is hypomania and not usually the “fun” kind that’s often portrayed in movies and TV. I just get highly irritable. Small background sounds that most people tune out DRIVE ME CRAZY (see… politically incorrect there with “crazy”).  Add in a healthy dose of anxiety over normal, everyday tasks and then the depression; lying, incapacitating, horrible depression.

The good brief definition of Type II Bipolar Disorder comes from WebMD (complete with pronunciation. Thanks WebMD!):

Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. 
Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high 
and low over time. However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never 
reach full-blown mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II 
disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.

A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic 
episode in his or her life. Most people with bipolar II disorder suffer more 
often from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic 
depression" comes from.

In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with 
bipolar II disorder live normal lives. (I would have written “normal”.)

So the truth is out there. If you suffer too, from any mental disorder, please know you are not alone. Feel free to share in the comments anonymously if that helps.  

Tuesday, September 09, 2014


1. Headaches...
2. School staff who are unhelpful. WHY make this your job if you are MEAN?
3. The carpet in my house...still disgusting.
4. I tweaked my knee. How? walking. It's starting to feel better, but seriously, after 1/2 hour on the treadmill yesterday, I don't know what went wrong.  It must have been one of the sprint intervals where I ran. (It's got to be the running) :)
5. I didn't get done as much as I had hoped today because of unforeseen interruptions.

1. I had an impromptu coffee date with my youngest. He had a rough morning and I took advantage of the extra traffic that would have resulted in him being late anyhow.
2. My daughter missed her train to school, so she was home longer. We had some nice times to chat and joke around. 
3. My oldest son was up earlier than normal and working, but he came in for lunch and I had some time with him too.  In fact some of it was with the 3 of us and it was great!
4. Seinfeld. Makes me laugh always.
5. Texting. I love being able to communicate in a group with friends from different time zones about serious or random crap that makes me laugh. 

How about you?