Happy Friday? Well, I'm tryin'.

I received some bad news today.

I mean...not life altering news.  Well, that's not really true. Everything is life altering whether it's positive or negative, it's just to varying degrees, right?  This thing is negatively life altering, but not in the sense of finding out someone I love has cancer. (Why is everything compared to cancer?)

I'm purposefully being vague, only because the "thing" really doesn't matter in relation to what I'm trying to say.  What matters is the way I am choosing (or more accurately, trying to choose) to act and believe.

For most of my life I've struggled with really grasping the love of God. I've struggled struggle with the concept that he loves me because he said so.  It's not because I "do" enough, that I'm "good" enough (because what does that even mean), or that I've checked off items on my made up check list (pray , read my bible , don't swear ). He loves me because he tells me he does, and he's not a liar, liar pants on fire. (or robe on fire). 

So through the years I usually go into a place of despair, self-protection and even anger with God when things don't turn out well. It's not just if I don't get my way, but when I see friends suffering or when my kids' dreams are crushed. It's when everything looks like it would be a win for all involved and then something doesn't pan out. 

Well that old way of believing hasn't been working for a long time. Let's face it, the outcome of any situation is whatever it is, but I want to act like what I say I believe: God is God. He loves me. He knows best. I want my heart to actually believe it too.   

So, today when I received the news I didn't want to hear, I was excruciatingly disappointed. I still am. I'm still overwhelmed with sadness and start crying. I'm still fighting those long time beliefs that "it will never get better", "you don't deserve it" or "God likes her/them better than you". The difference now is, I'm trying to tell God how sad and angry I am, without being sad and angry AT him. My head knows he loves me the same, my heart just doesn't always feel it. 

God is not karma and essentially, I've been limiting him to that. 

Do you have any areas in your life where you've been misbelieving?
How to you respond to adversity? Is it something you want to change or are you content with your way?


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