Monday, November 02, 2015
5 & 5: Fighting That “Less Than” Feeling
I’m fighting that “less than” feeling.
I’m sitting at my 10 year old laptop that has been resuscitated multiple times. It’s janky, it’s dying, it’s slow…
My son is in the living room with Friend. He’s an only child with two highly educated parents. They seem wealthy, at least to me. I’ve been trying to bang out sale & coupon lists for the past 3 hours to buy groceries. The house really is depleted at this point. There’s some yogurt, oats and some limp celery. Oh, and plenty of condiments...but not much of anything to make any sort of a meal.
My offering for lunch today was “tortilla pizzas” or bean burritos…
I picture Friend's house. Snacks & food galore...and not just your run of the mill chips & soda. No, it’s healthy AND tasty snacks from Whole Foods. Dinners of organic, grass-fed, pastured beef and dairy. Free-range, organic, hand-massaged chicken. Fresh fish and seafood caught wherever the socially responsible, mercury and pesticide free place is. Organic, organic, organic everything where fair maidens pluck seasonal fruit and vegetables off the tree/vine/bush/plant and deliver it by bicycle the same day.
I had coffee with Friend’s mom a couple years ago. They had recently moved to the area from the Great White North; a job transfer, I think. Our boys met at school, and we lived close by. It was clear after a few minutes of talking that this would be a pleasant, but one-time-only meeting. She has a career, I stay home. She has a formal education, I do not. There were other things too. Things I can’t really put my finger on, but where I could tell she was looking for friends, but socio-economic-right-side-of-the-tracks-equal-education peers.
I try to really self-evaluate. Am I feeling less-than, because I’m just feeling less-than? Or am I feeling the less-than snubbing pressure someone is trying to impose on me? (and caving) This was definitely the latter.
Regardless, our boys are still friends. They game online and hang out in person. I have to just tell myself not to take it. Not to take the less-than feeling. I mean what is that? I have plenty of friends who are educated and have careers who don’t snub me or others for not having that degree. The difference? They care to know me. They see me. Not me through my accomplishments, not me for what I can do for them, but me. It’s times like today that I need to be grateful. I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but be grateful for all the things I do have, and even more importantly, grateful for WHO I have.
5 & 5
1. Clipping coupons.
2. That I can’t hire someone to fix & do all the stuff that needs fixing & doing around here.
3. The dishwasher is broken. Technically it works, but we recently discovered teeny holes that have leaked water into the floor. Discovered by the warping floor. Yikes.
4. There’s a constant high pitched sound in the kitchen. I think it’s from the fridge since I’ve unplugged everything else and it hasn’t stopped. No one else can hear it. It drives me C R A Z Y. I’m worried that the fridge will go out anytime.
5. The kitchen in general. Truly… (but my oven range is cool)
1. We have a home, can buy food and gas.
2. Overall, I am healthy & physically capable.
3. We have a heater that we will soon be needing to use. (Though I have become that mom, “put on a sweater and socks!”)
4. I don’t have to sleep in a tent.
5. There’s ice cream in the freezer.
Have you ever felt Less Than? How do you deal with it?