Joyful Mayhem

This is the part where I want to slip back into being fearful; fearful I will "peter out", quit and ultimately, fail at the goal I set. (I wonder who exactly was responsible for the term, "peter out", and if other Peters after him felt like he gave them the bum deal.) This goal, if you've followed along, was to participate in NaBloPoMo which to me meant I would be posting daily since that was the challenge . I've missed some days. Part of me wants to mistreat myself, talk down to myself and tell myself what a loser I am; the old part of me. The healthier part of me (who is winning a little more each day) encourages me. The one or two days I forgot shouldn't be a big deal.  There were days I felt like I had nothing more to offer than what would fit in a facebook post or tweet.  On those days, I chose not to make a separate blog post since I only have 2 followers on my blog and use my facebook to promote what I write anyhow. The bigger accomplishme

Hello migraine, my old “friend” I’ve come to battle you again Because my vision’s slowly decreasing You did your deed while I was sleeping And the stabbing that you planted in my brain Still remains I need the sound of silence In restless states I start to moan Plans of the day are all now blown ‘Neath the covers without a lamp Pulled blankie up away from the damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light I felt the bite I need the sound of silence And in the dim, low light I saw An hour pass by, maybe more People talking, why are they speaking People should be just whispering People singing songs they just should not share At least not here Disturbed the sound of silence “Ahhhh” said I, you do not know Your noise totally blows Read my lips that I might teach you Feel my fist that I might reach you But my fist didn’t help the noise to quell I begged Just give me some silence And the people’s voices raised In my brain I was crazed And

"pivot!" My oldest son started watching Friends on Netflix, and so I've been rewatching it with him. I've caught reruns on tv, but it's been fun for me to watch it with him chronologically.  There are more things from the show than I realized, that have become engrained in my life: interestingly enough, my teens made up their own, which appropriate or not, I thought was hysterical. this one we use quite often and it leaves me in tears every time.  I know it's just TV, but you know what? I like TV.  I love when clever writers, directors, editors, actors, etc. all come together and make something that invokes strong emotions. If I had to pick back in the 90's, I would have wanted to be Rachel for sure.  After watching it again from the beginning, I think Phoebe totally has the funniest lines.  What's your favorite FRIENDS memory?

Nothing fancy today. I'm barely holding it together. The Costco trip today? Fuggedaboutit.  I need to set a reminder in my iPhone to "Take Xanax" when I arrive at Costco. (I will program each nearby location, even though I'm at the same one 90% of the time.) Laments: 1. Going to Costco 2. People turning samples at Costco into block-the-aisles-and-park-lunchtime. 3. Costco changing/discontinuing tried & true items. 4. Rude "customer service" clerks at Costco who act like they are doing you some HUGE favor by accepting your return. 5. Drivers in the Costco parking lot who stalk you for a parking place...even though there are more available a mere 5 slots away. Gratitudes: 1. I was able to stave off an anxiety attack at Costco. miraculous. 2. Trader Joes 3. Wood stoves 4. Nala. She snuggled up on me and promptly fell asleep on my stomach.  Just what I needed.  5. Home delivery (& Curbside) : Amazon, grocery stores...wherever

I'm again thankful for the exercise of writing that has come with NaBloPoMo. (It has even improved my spelling since, when I misspelled "exercize" and clicked to correct it, the suggested correction was "excrete".)  There have been days where I pushed myself to write. There have also been days where (surprisingly) I son't have much to say. Or, I have something to say, but I just don't fell like saying it right now.  Today is one of those days. I don't want to post junk, just for the sake of posting. So, I leave you with that. Hopefully my other posts have more quality in them, that will forgive the lack of quantity. 

My youngest son used to like riding on the freeway with the window down & his head stuck out as far as he could get away with. The wind would be blowing on his face so much, it made me wonder how he could keep his eyes open.  His smile reflected pure joy.   When I ask why he liked it so much, he simply said, "Try it, it's fun!".  My first thought (other than the safety issues if I were the one driving) would be how it would mess up my hair. ( If you have any sort of curly hair, you get me.) Immediately my thoughts would turn to wondering when it is we lose that carefree spirit. Some people are good at keeping that through their lives. Typically, I'm not one of them, but I know I've gotten better. I realize (or re-realize) I need to be thoughtful about it. As we mature and deal with financial issues, health crises (our own or someone we love) or other adult responsibilities, it's easy to forget that feeling.  I  don't want to forget.

I have to wonder if a sneaky kid did this alone, or if a sneaky parent put it back. Regardless, I did not buy this apple.

 (Picture: Corbis / Metro) I  have that "On This Day" app installed on facebook. It shows me posts from that same day, going back through all my years on there.   I read this one today from a post I wrote in 2008 and thought, "Yep. It still holds up." These were the days I would spend about 3 hours in the car, driving 4 kids to & from 3 schools.  I did a lot of driving.  While I have already procured a friend to touch up any roots, and make sure I have on my favorite lipstick (because, come on, I know what's important), I don't remember anyone volunteering for the latter, so there are still positions available .   
 November 13, 2008  
 As I was driving to pick up my middle schooler, I noticed a paramedic slowly opening a gurney, with no apparent haste necessary.  This got me to thinking: Perhaps the person needing the paramedic in the first place, was already dead.  That realization led me to this:

 When I die, I need a couple peopl

This is what I walked by to see one day.   On our bookshelf sits a book about all sorts of things you can make with duct tape. (The real title is Stick It. )  I laughed so hard the first time I saw it.  Every time I pass by and it catches my eye, I laugh again. I have no intentions of removing it. I may not be a teenager, but I sure appreciate teenage humor.  (Can you see that it's on a shelf surrounded by much more "get your life together" books? Maybe that's right where it belongs.) Laments: 1. Good grief - another Costco run today. With as many lunches that we pack, the essentials they carry are not only worth the trip financially, but well, essential. 2. I have a teeny remnant of a splinter in my thumb that I can't find. 3. I am not doing well getting to bed on time. boo Why do I do this to myself?! 4. I need to order new glasses. I'm hesitant to pull the trigger on a pair though because I'm afraid of buyer's remorse. (but I do

This is my red cup: It's not because I boycott Starbucks. (My 3-cups a year bought with a 50% off Groupon wouldn't make a difference anyhow!) It's not because I think Starbucks has taken Christ out of Christmas (I know they are a huge company, but do the people who are saying that really think Starbucks has that much power ?) I'm also not against people gettin' their Starbucks on. I don't get it, but let your green flag fly. Nope. It's all economics to me. I can make a delicious cup of "organic fair trade  premium gourmet whole bean coffee" for only . 07 a cup .  (I would never say that in a real life conversation though because I eschew the purists by buying it at Costco and grinding THE WHOLE BAG there! Quelle horreur!) Also, to be fair, that price doesn't include the electricity or gas to heat the water, or the water itself, but even if I doubled it and rounded up to .15, I'm ok with that.  Occasionally for a treat, I

*Erik Bjerkesjo via Wikimedia Commons So I missed a day. Typically this would be "it".  The reason to quit.  Oh, I'd explain it away. "There were legit reasons!", and somehow that would make me feel better about failing. (And no arguing that. It would most definitely be considered a failure.) The difference this time (that I hope to hold on to as a lesson learned) is I don't see it as a failure! Yay!   I even started justifying it here but deleted what I wrote. I don't need to justify anything!  I'm trying to break those old, self-destructive habits not only for me, but for those around me, particularly my kids.  I want them to learn early to keep going, keep trying and if something doesn't work out, try something else. Just like that Superchick song I love (and will keep referring to): I'm not afraid to fall It means I climbed up high To fall is not to fail You fail when you don't try I've also lea

There are some days I have lots to say.  Other days, I've got nothin'. Then there are weird days...days where I'm involved in conversations - if standing there and listening to the other people who are talking so much they don't pause to let me get a word in edgewise without being rude and interrupting.  Guess what today was?   Anyhow, I'm here more as an exercise for myself to keep blogging everyday for NoBloPoMo.  And I suppose I'm practicing patience and listening. 

I'm not typically a weekend blogger, but let's face it: I'm not typically a consistent blogger either. Today is marks my first complete week in the NaBloPoMo challenge.  That's saying something for me..  Laments: 1. I'm still fighting sadness and disappointment over my recent, well, disappointment. 2. Schedule conflicts. It just sucks when there are two things really important to you and you have to choose one. 3. It's laundry day. 4. We have a going away party to go to.  It's not that I don't want to be there for a short time to wish him well, it's more that I just don't want to go . 5. The cold season has arrived in our home.  Gratitudes 1. I'm not *stuck* in the sadness like before.  I'm feeling it like I need to so I can move on, but I don't feel such despair. 2. I have gas in the car.  3. I didn't run out of gas on the freeway, in accident traffic last night. (That really deserves two lines.) 4.

I received some bad news today. I mean...not life altering news.  Well, that's not really true. Everything is life altering whether it's positive or negative, it's just to varying degrees, right?  This thing is negatively life altering, but not in the sense of finding out someone I love has cancer. (Why is everything compared to cancer?) I'm purposefully being vague, only because the "thing" really doesn't matter in relation to what I'm trying to say.  What matters is the way I am choosing (or more accurately, trying to choose) to act and believe. For most of my life I've struggled with really grasping the love of God. I've struggled struggle with the concept that he loves me because he said so.  It's not because I "do" enough, that I'm "good" enough  (because what does that even mean) , or that I've checked off items on my made up check list (pray  ✓ , read my bible  ✓ , don't swear 

I have a 17 year old today. I've had 2 other 17 year olds, and I'll have one more, but today I have one. Three of our kids have late fall birthdays, which gave us the choice to start them in school at 4 years old (turning 5 a month or two later) or at 5 going on 6. Every family has reasons they choose what they do: I'm not debating. I know for us; for our family, we made the choice to opt for the latter.  I look at my 17 year old and am grateful.  Grateful I had another year of him at home with me before starting school. Grateful he's not graduating this year. Grateful he's a joy to be around. He's the tallest one in our family, which he loves. He has a gentle and kind temperament and has shown incredible grace and maturity towards his pubescent brother. His sense of humor is fabulous and he doesn't riff a lot, but quietly drops clever puns or comments that seemingly come out of nowhere that have us all laughing.  He's kind. He&#

" Black Hole Milkyway" by Ute Kraus* I'm having a hard time coming up with anything more to say today that the 5&5. In complete disclosure, things feel more like 50 & 5. They are things out of my control, and while I know God will take care of us, it certainly feels bleak. And it's certainly not how I imagined things to be.   Regardless: Laments: 1. Health care costs. Thanks Obama. And you're welcome subsidized insurance people.  2. Cost of living. Thanks California 3. People who want Nordstrom quality at Walmart prices. Thanks cheapskates. 4. I'm not losing weight. Thanks not getting up off my can or eating right. 5. House, appliances and etc. breaking and being crappy. Thanks adulthood. Gratitudes: 1. I have a optometrist and dentist I like & trust. And finally a doctor. (For now.) 2. California has the ocean and lots of sunshine. And my family & friends. 3. There are some people who will shop at "Nordstrom&quo

img src: C. Szeto: San Francisco, CA I love how innocently little kids speak. They are generally still free from the burdens of other people’s dysfunction. When a toddler looks at a fat woman and asks, "Are you having a baby?" he isn’t being mean. He’s simply asking a question based on his life experience.  In fact, he probably loves babies and feels some sort of joy or excitement that the fat lady gets to have something so cool. I’ve had a kid matter-of-factly say to me, “Your bottom won’t fit here”. Of course the woman/girl in me, who has fought negative body images her whole life wants to push that kid down and yell, “You’re mean!”, and stomp off crying. Thankfully I have just  enough maturity to allow me to pause, think about what just happened and realize, 1. He’s not being mean and  2. The kid understands physics and is just stating a fact. A friend of mine shared a similar experience she had with one of her kids. The child came up and hugged h

I’m fighting that “less than” feeling. I’m sitting at my 10 year old laptop that has been resuscitated multiple times. It’s janky, it’s dying, it’s slow… My son is in the living room with Friend. He’s an only child with two highly educated parents. They seem wealthy, at least to me.  I’ve been trying to bang out sale & coupon lists for the past 3 hours to buy groceries. The house really is depleted at this point. There’s some yogurt, oats and some limp celery. Oh, and plenty of condiments...but not much of anything to make any sort of a meal.  My offering for lunch today was “tortilla pizzas” or bean burritos…  I picture Friend's house. Snacks & food galore...and not just your run of the mill chips & soda. No, it’s healthy AND tasty snacks from Whole Foods. Dinners of organic, grass-fed, pastured beef and dairy.  Free-range, organic, hand-massaged chicken. Fresh fish and seafood caught wherever the socially responsible, mercury and pesticide free place is. Org

I've been wanting to blog more regularly for quite a while now. Mental health has been a big part of that to hopefully help others open up and realize they aren't alone. But even though I move "write" from day to day on my to-do list, it just seems like everything else comes first. Sound familiar?   I think most of us have that thing.  I keep hearing from other writers that it will continue to be pushed off unless I actively make sure it doesn't. I guess that's like any priority, right?  It's only really becomes regarded as important when I make the time to do it...and then do it! Whether it's cooking dinner, doing laundry, having lunch with a friend or pursuing something you love to do, there has to be the follow through. So in honor of BlogHer's yearly #NaBloMoPo campaign (National Blog Posting Month),  I''m giving it a shot. If nothing else, it will help create in me more discipline in working towards what I say is important