Thursday, October 08, 2015

Meh, Bleh, Pthhh and other "Funk"-y words

Downtown Funk you up, I say downtown funk you up.  
...Yah, that's not really the word I'm thinking. 


I'm at the point now when I can (usually) see depression trying to come for an uninvited visit. I mean, being able to recognize it is good. I know there are things I can do to try and keep the stay to a milder minimum, but I know that jerkface will still camp out on the couch here & there no matter how many kicks, punches or hints I drop telling it to leave.

Clinical depression is hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. Forget about the people who think it's all in your head...er, well, that's sort of an oxymoron isn't it? (I'm referring to the "suck it up" people.) 

I know now, these are the times to practice being kinder to myself and tell myself to ignore what people are saying or thinking about me. (Never mind that it's probably more likely that I'm only thinking they're thinking it.) I need to make sure I sleep & rest more, I need to pay better attention to eating well, I need to exercise (pthhh) (double pthhh) and just as important for me, I need to keep my schedule  l i g h t.  That one has been a hard one. 

I look at the time I have during the day now that my kids are older and in school. The pressure I feel (and frankly, sometimes actually have heard) is that I should be doing x,y and/or z (as well as more of a, b and c) or why aren't I working (as if I wouldn't like to contribute financially to our household). Thankfully that's not from my husband or kids. Usually I really want to do more, but I know that if I do, I'll not only suffer the consequences, but my family will too. I would rather keep practicing blocking out the voices of the people who don't know me or understand how "too much" physically and mentally affects me. 

When I feel the the not-quite-full-depressive-episode funk, some days, all I can do is get people to school, make the bed and plan dinner. Sometimes that's what it takes to stave off a depressive episode. If I start slipping down further, it'll just get worse and then always takes longer to climb out. If I have any evening commitments, I have to plan for that energy suck during the day. They can still be things I enjoy, but too much anything feels like it's sucking the life force out of me. When a week starts to fill up with things that are unavoidable, the effort I took to build a lighter schedule helps accommodate for that.  I need to make sure that this is my normal life; my normal way of scheduling. 


When I hear the DownTown Funk knocking on the door, I have to be even more vigilant. It's not easy. Even when I'm more aware, it feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, not knowing what might push me over, or how far the fall will be. Finally being able to be more aware and recognize the signs is helpful though, to help avoid such a deep plunge.

So for now, I'll be avoiding answering the door, so text first before you dropping by.

Have you learned ways to cope with mood disorders, illnesses or other stressors in your life?


3 comments:

jimmmaaa said...

Hi Tonya, Thanks for your candor and honesty. Some days must be really hard. Prayers going your way.
~James

Shelly Tramposh said...

You are one awesome chick.

Luna Leverett said...

Oh my goodness this sounds sooooo familiar!!! I used to be scheduled to the minute. My college roommates predicted I'd be the soccer mom in the minivan getting the kids to all the events and team mother to boot. None of that his happening in my life with Adrenal Fatigue and depression. I too feel the pressure to "Do more" "Be more." I even found myself doing all sorts of volunteer work to make up for my not-really working status. Lame. I dropped all of that. I say no to baby showers, bunco parties, Bible studies, dinner parties, women's brunches, anything and everything that doesn't thrill me. I've given up going to concerts, doing theater, and dance classes. Even with that, I feel overwhelmed with the things we do choose to do. I make sure there's a lot of margin in my day in case a nap attack comes on. I no longer do things out of guilt and my circle of friends has naturally paired down to the true friends who understand that my health issues are not a choice I'm making. What I have kept in my life is the stuff that feeds my soul like my speaking, blogging, and one-on-one time with women who are real. Those things bring me joy and a sense of purpose.

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