Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Fighting that “less than” feeling

I’m sitting at my 10 year old laptop that has been resuscitated multiple times. It’s janky, it’s dying, it’s slow…

My son is in the living room with his friend. He’s an only child with two highly (my impression) educated parents. They seem wealthy, at least to me.  I’ve been trying to bang out sale & coupon lists for the past 3 hours to buy groceries. The house really is depleted at this point. There’s some yogurt, oats and some limp celery. Oh, and plenty of condiments...but not much of anything to make any sort of a meal. 
My offering for lunch today was “tortilla pizzas” or bean burritos… 

I picture friend’s house. Snacks & food galore...and not just your run of the mill chips & soda. No, healthy AND tasty snacks from Whole Foods (that cost 4x the snacks I buy). Dinners of organic, grass-fed, pastured beef and dairy.  Free-range, organic chicken. Organic, organic, organic.

I had coffee with friend’s mom a couple years ago. They had recently moved to the area from Canada; a job transfer, I think. Our boys met at school, and at the time we lived even closer. It was clear after a few minutes of talking that this would be a pleasant, but one-time-only meeting. She has a career, I stay home. She has a formal education, I do not. There were other things too. Things I can’t really put my finger on, but where I knew she wasn’t really looking for friends, but socio-economic-right-side-of-the-tracks-equal-education peers. 

I try to really self-evaluate. Am I feeling less than, because I’m feeling less-than?  Or am I feeling the less-than snubbing pressure someone is trying to impose on me? (and caving)  This was the latter.  

Regardless, our boys are still friends and when they aren’t online together, they like to hang out in person.
I have to just tell myself not to take it. Not to take the less-than feeling. I mean what is that?  I have plenty of friends who are educated and have careers who don’t snub me or others for not having that degree. The difference? They care to know me. They see me. Not me through my accomplishments, not me for what I can do for them, but me. It’s times like today that I need to be grateful. I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but be grateful for all the things I do have, and even more importantly,  grateful for WHO I have. 

5 & 5
Laments:
1. That I have to clip coupons.
2. That I can’t hire someone to fix & do all the stuff that needs fixing & doing around here.
3. It’s hot
4. We are going camping...I don’t want to go camping. I want to go to a resort or a hotel with restaurants and sand and not dirt.
5. My laptop sucks.

Gratitudes:
1. We have money for a home, for food and for gas.
2. Overall, I am healthy & physically capable.
3. We have working fans in the house. 
4. I don’t have to sleep in a tent.
6. There’s ice cream in the freezer. 

No comments:

Post a Comment